WolfBuni

Its scary how much a person changes. I'm not who I once was....  I'm not as innocent and sweet.  It used to be that in my dreams I couldn't hurt a fly, but I've since changed.  I wan to live between 2 extremes.  like 2 sides of a sword, or coin. I want to be that person that your scared to cross because I'm liable to beat the crap out of you... or be that person you could ask for the heavens and earth to move, and I would take on the Gods themselves to do it.  (*Note thats different than saying I'd take on God).  
I want to be dangerous, so that your feel you must respect me, command authority, but I was to be kind and command love because that is what I give, and thus deserve in return. I want to be a person who keeps my word, and that person who can keep my word under all circumstances.  

But low and behold, I cannot walk this thin line well enough, and am likely to step into the night. Thats what scares me, cause I'd be okay with walking at night over the day.  But is that just because I've never faced a decision to put myself in that position?

My fear is in want of success. I want to be more: cultivate myself in every regard, and yet trapped, by my shortcomings. If self-cultivation is a function, then its range is bound by the domain, which is bound by time and shortcomings, forever limiting the maximum of my cultivation. 

Its past 3am and I'm just writing to write. Hoping that at the same time I don't go unnoticed, that my sentiments are not unfelt or unseen. That I'm not alone..
I really miss home! I miss cuddling with my parents. ANd my dog. I miss feeling protected.
Its weird, because logically there's not much my parents could do,
they can't keep evil monsters and criminal minds' killers from attacking me in my dreams,
But none the less every night mare I had I crawled into their bed, no matter what. 
My dad has big bear arms he would wrap is arm around me and I'd hold his arm, and out my head against mom.
There's something distinctive about when my dad holds me. Its protection, mentally and physically. Knowing that whether the threat is real or dreamt he'd die before he lets it hurt me. I think thats what most girls look for in boyfriends, fiancés and mates.... at least that's what I look for. Someone to hold me like that. I fall asleep so much easier when I'm being held.
I miss being held. I miss my parents. And I want a guy who holds me like that.
Maybe then I will get proper sleep  

So last night for the first time I realized that I do want something to happen. But I don't at the same time. Being such good friends with someone should be worth more than a hot hook up that could throw it all away, and with most of my friends that's exactly how I feel, but not with him. When I'm with him I laugh and forget that I should be worried about my work. I forget the future, and the fact that I know it wouldn't work out. It would be fun though, to try something new, to try something different. Why do I feel so conflicted! I know he'd be nothing but a distraction, but I still wish to feel his lips! The most complicated thing is feelings! If he made the first move, or if I could we go back to being friends? Or would we forever be somewhere in the middle? He seems like a playa in someways, because of all the girls he's friends with, and I know they dig him too. Whats more would it be morally right, to get my heart involved with someone that doesn't know my Father, and Lord? For once, just once I wish I could do something and not consult my morals, my faith, my soul, my head, and my God. But that would be a betrayal to me and all I believe, thus I'm left with feelings. 

So I just wanna get the schematic down, then I will promptly be posting more.. My goal is to write a lot more this time, since I have a holiday break!